Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
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My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
This is a bad sign
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Breaking news:
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that