This is a bad sign
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british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”