Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
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I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!