Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
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[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
New Tinder profile.
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Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
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