Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
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The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?