In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

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Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…




…still more neck…


…it’s a giraffe!”


ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch


Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.


Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.


If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.


My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot


Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.


Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart


gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes