In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
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who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Real House Wines.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling