I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.