Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
TRAIN’S HERE
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: