Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
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HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me