The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
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I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*