My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
War & Peace
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face