if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
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We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Every photo I’m tagged in
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
The pasta is now
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!