“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
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Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way