[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
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At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*