When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
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My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.