My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
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An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I’m sure it’s fine.
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Okay me first
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HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no