If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…