“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
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Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
british sex workers really pound for pound
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.