You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
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Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
adam and eve had first world problems
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.