them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
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Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Tell me you get it…🤣
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror