If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
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When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
awkward
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?