Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
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Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags: