WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Blew out my flip flop…
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
i made a craigslist ad !
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands