Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
You Might Also Like
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Effort made
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.