I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!