I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
You Might Also Like
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
In case you needed to hear it:
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it