NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
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Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
m’lady
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.