The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
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Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Every work call, he judges.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector