Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
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abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.