The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
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painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars