Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
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*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.