Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Best table by far
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.