“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
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Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Meme Monday.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey