that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.