Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
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Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”