Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
You Might Also Like
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Breaking news:
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare