Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
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*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
…u ok Nintendo?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
how to market bottled water to dads
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.