A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Are we there yet?…
![]()
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Go hard or stay average
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.