when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
they split up moments later
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My beach vacation Google searches
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.