The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
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My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational