My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
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[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.