Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
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confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
If a snake ate a cake
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.