I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
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And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Taco Bell, Exit 22