I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Husband of the year 😂
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My blood type is b hungry.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?