Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.