me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
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The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)