*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
philosophical skeletons be like
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy