Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
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“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.