Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
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ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me when my alarm goes off
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”