My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room