@CafeinatedBacon

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

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@zero3_benz

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

@MarfSalvador

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

@fro_vo

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

@

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

@MatCro

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

@Shade510

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

@GrantTanaka

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@UncleDuke1969

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.