FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
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Her: You didn’t bring food?
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG 911: OMG
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.