[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
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My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.