I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
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I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked