Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.